I’m a Bitch

I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

– I’m a Bitch by Meredith Brooks or Alanis Morisette (depending on your age )

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Like Alanis, I have multiple split personalities. I can be a bitch who knows how to love. I can be childish and mature depending on the situation. I’m more of a sinner and I try to be a saint. I’m like fart — loud & proud, silent but deadly and, wet & wild. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Enough with the pretenses. Life is too short for that.

What I really am is a funny guy with a really big heart, whose eyes disappear when he laughs. Unlike most people, I am on the verge of reaching virginal nirvana. I have been single and mostly happy for twenty-something years. But, like most people, I am still waiting for that one special person out of the more than six billion people in this world who would wake me from my very deep slumber with true love’s first kiss.

The paragraph below is written with homosexual overtones and is a rated R-18 version of the paragraph above. You have been warned.

What I really am is a funny guy gay with pericarditis, whose eyes disappear when he laughs. Unlike most people, instead of breaking the world record for the highest number of one-night stands, I am on the verge of reaching virginal nirvana. I have been single and mostly happy for twenty-something years. But, like most people, I am still waiting for that one special astigin boy-next-door-type muscled person out of the more than six billion people in this world who will wake me from my very deep wet dream with true love’s french kiss.